Pictureless, Downer Post Full of Self-Pity; Don’t Feel Obligated to Read

Well, if you only want to read positive, colorful blogs, you might want to skip over this one and come back tomorrow.  I need to get some thoughts down on “paper,” and rather than paint a sun-shiney picture of my life and my attempt at weight loss, I’m going to put down what I’m thinking and feeling.  I’m not writing this for comments or compliments, and I’m not tagging it because I really don’t even want it to show up on search engines.

I’m going back to see my psychiatrist on Friday; my next appointment didn’t need to be until October, but I’m getting very panicky for no reason and I’m constantly having to breathe deeply and tell myself that everything is fine.  I’ve been receiving treatment for my anxiety/depression problems for about a year now.  I’ve been dealing with it for probably twenty years, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not even my worst enemy.  Being a prisoner to your own mind is terrifying and overwhelming.

Our best friend is being deployed to Iraq and is leaving in two and a half weeks.   After spending every weekend hanging out for the past year that he’s been back, the thought of not being able to see him for a year hurts so much.  I know it hurts even more for his girlfriend, who’s now facing another year of having to deal with his absence; she’s my other best friend, so it’s hurting me even more to see her trying to figure out how to cope.

As a result, whenever we spend time together, I’m extremely impulsive about food, often to my detriment.  Last night, he came over and, after a few “calorie-laden beverages,” there was an impulse purchase of pizza at 10 pm, which was totally unnecessary as I’d had dinner at 7:30.  Fourthmeal left me stuffed, and I woke up this morning feeling like shit on a shingle.  Today is the first day this week that I’ve actually been “Crap Free” and packed foods that will nourish me without overfilling me and hurting me.  I know that I need to not beat myself up and move on, but when the problem is habitual, I don’t really know what to do.

I’ve had no motivation to exercise, clean house, be proactive at work, anything, and it’s affecting me in such a huge way.  I feel slovenly, cluttered, stressed, and lazy, and, while I know what I should do to make things better, I can’t even find the motivation to do them.

My thoughts are so scattered these days.  Even when I’m praying…I’ll be praying and then I’ll just drift off into what I plan to do for the day or some hypothetical conversation that I plan to have with someone (or wish I would have with someone) or the whole self-loathing thing, or whatever.  I feel like God must think I’m such a douchebag, even though He knows what’s really going on.

That’s all for now.  Hopefully Friday will help balance things out some.  All I know is, something’s gotta give.